Joy in the Hard Places

My last post, “What’s Next,” left off with me getting a PET scan after my oncologist saw an elevated tumor marker in my lab work. I was not prepared for what he revealed to me that day in his office.

I stared at the images on the computer, bright colors glaring at me as Dr. P. explained that my prior breast cancer had metastasized into my neck, liver, and sacrum. I could hear him talking but the longer I listened and stared at the images of my diseased organs, the sicker I became. I began sweating and my face flushed quickly. Dr. P. asked if I needed to lay down, to which I shook my head. “I can’t look at this anymore,” I managed to say. “I want to know how we’re going to fix it, get rid of it!”

He changed the computer screen to a page containing my information and proceeded to tell me about the treatment plan he deemed appropriate, assuring me he would do everything possible to give me the best quality of life for as long as possible. When he was through he waited a second and then asked if I had someone in the waiting room. I didn’t bring anyone because I believed the PET scan results would be no big deal. I thanked him and left the room. In the hallway, my legs began to buckle. I couldn’t call my husband. Having Parkinson’s, he doesn’t drive. I had the car and knew I just wanted to get home, but I needed a space of grace; a moment to collect myself. I dialed the number of my friend, Deb, my support group founder. She was a volunteer at the hospital next to my doctor’s office. She showed up in ten minutes.

That was almost one year ago. I survived that August 20th diagnosis day! The biopsy on the tumor in my neck confirmed it was from my previous breast cancer. Treatment began in September and we were optimistic about the success of halting the cancers’s growth.

Unfortunately, a CT scan in December revealed that the treatment I had been on over the four month span of time, was not successful. A new tumor had emerged in my neck, while the others did not shrink. This was a hard place to be.

My faith is strong and I have trusted God through it all. He gave me the strength to endure the first cancer journey, and I have given Him praise every day of my life. I would not be here today without Him. Now I find myself at the age of eighty, with cancer in three places, a treatment plan that failed, and stage four cancer which everyone considers a death warrant. This is a hard place to be.

My first chemo treatment day arrived and as I sat in the chair amid a large number of other people there for various infusions. I turned to God and prayed! “Lord, take away my fear,” I silently cried. “Fear is a very hard place to be.”

I opened my eyes and suddenly I felt peace. I believe God is healing me one day at a time. I have hard days, but I’m no longer in a hard place. All glory is the Lord’s. I praise God for each day He gifts me with, and share His love with all who need to hear of it!

Those who know Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior will never have a death warrant served. We will know the joy of eternal life…